This will be my last entry here for a while (as in prolly more than a year.)

I have evolved beyond the need to cling to other people and whine about how they all hate it. I need a place where people will hear what I say, take it into consideration, give their feedback kindly, and react accordingly. I have no ill will towards anyone here, though most people mentioned here (with some clear exceptions, such as Robbin, Ashley, Maddie and Kaitlyn) are still in my terible books. I am free from slavery to Brittany, and the lust that I needed to so fervently deny to other and use Hannah to fulfill is no longer necessary. I wish the good kids well, and I hope you will all keep in touch. I love you all, and hopefully, I will one day become happier than I am now, but right now, my eternal bitchfest is on hold until I go back to school, when I will become numb to humanity again. I just won't tell the Internet about it all the time.

I am sorry.

Zach J, signing off.

Gather round, people, and hear the story of true love, and how such a thing no longer can exist.

Most of this story is true, except the time and names and such.

So a knight once loved a lady. We shall call the knight Sir Barington, in honour of his honest and open personality. He is not perfect. No, for he has hurt people in ways that aught never to be repeated, and for which he shall never be absolved. He loved a lady, Lady Moresworth, who was eccentric, forgiving, caring and sweet, not to mention the most beautiful lady in the land.

Sir Barington was forced upon a trip, a trip all knights in this kingdom must make, to the land of Appariona, wherein lie the famed Halls of Learning. Upon his return he expected be well received by his lady, for their love had been of the greatest power.

However, the knight lacked a horse, and had been riding in the carriages of others who had schedules rather different from his own. There were many letters written between the two, leading to the knight achieving a visit to the lady in October of 2006. It was the greatest day of his life. Little did he know it would be the last time he would feel that good, for the next day, he received a letter from the lady accusing him of being unfaithful. The dark knight who had sent her the letter stole her away from him, and proceeded to warp her thoughts against Sir Barington. When the lady had had enough of the torture (physical and mental), she left him for the arms of Sir Barington's acquaintance, Squire Hedstrong.

Sir Barington attempted with all his might to see the lady, to permit their love to regrow, but the friar was enjoying the romance between the squire and the lady, and would not have the knight come between them.

And so the next year passed, and her love for the squire grew to where it rivaled her former love for the knight. At this point, the knight arrives back in his hometown to win her back, and has her brought to him. She gave her condolences, but explained that she now loved the squire, who was becoming ungrateful to her existence. A month's period occurred here wherein the knight's friend, Lady Desprites, attempted to help him understand himself, and he learned much. However, when he attempted for the third time to regain her love, she returned it to him, and they made plans to meet.

But then she spoke to the squire, who, through manipulation of her mind, convinced her thaty not only did she love the squire, but that she should detach from him as much as possible. And finally, his mind control struck another blow.

But the love she bore for the knight was not to be vanquished so easily, for she was just as happy with him as before, and the squire began to act in jealousy. He reminded her of a decision that he had madea year before they had fallen in love, wherein he refused to go on his trip. Somehow, he twisted the lady's mind into giving up her future for him, all because he had been too afraid to begin his trip so young. Now he would keep her from her trip, or convince her it was a good idea to avoid the trip through subtle manipulations, simply to strike at the knight's heart.

No other lady would have the knight, and so he suffers here, inside this broken castle. He leaves it for visitors, but never in search of another lady, for the lady he loved showed him that ladies are easily misled through no fault of their own, and knights can be as well.

And it is said that one day, the knight's love shall regret her decisions, and she shall wish him back, but he shall be dead from the heartbreak. Such is the lot of the knights of today, for all good men are unappreciated, and all good things must pass them by.

It is also said that there is a small chance that the lady will reunite with the knight before his death, in which case the world shall truly know what love is, for they will be able to see the two together, and in emulation they shall find their differences with them and love as has never been done before.

If ever love as ours were true and real,
And all that I would have, the same would you,
Then would the greatest lovers come to be,
And you and I would never suffer through

The heartache here, the torture there, we'd live,
and through it all, our bleeding hearts would love,
And all our cares, in dear exchange, we'd give
and we would thank the heavens up above

For all that I would see with my eyes, dear,
My dearest, sweetest lady, you I see,
As sure as I am honest, 'twould be true,
That all that you would love and see was me.

But he has conflagrated you somehow,
And now you think that you see only him.
For I, my love, am not at home today,
And he is there, and has you at a whim.

"Resist!" I cry, but you have fallen now
To soak into his dark and sullen spell.
"My love! I shall not fail." Upon your brow,
I whisper these words. The broken bell

Within my heart and mind, they ring out for
The loss that we have both endured today.
Your future gone, my heart is on the floor,
In coma, and shall not return this way.

So love me not, or love me, as you shall,
For truly I am broken, obsolete.
A time has come and passed, and me, like all,
have found my truths and thoughts to have been beat.

location: Kannapolis mood: drained music: Make A Run For It by Hit the Lights tags: brittany moore, love, zach jeffcoat

So, I am at my friend Tyler's house, as I have been for over a week now.

Not that I do not love my family, but one can only handle EVERY DAMN THING with little to no reward for so long before a vacation is required. Tyler has wanted to see me for a while, and so I came over.

And three days ago, the bank made a 15 dollar error in the favour of my mother.

Now, I believe this story. However, any story that does not include the words "I desperately want to come home now and do all the work while I am being yelled at the whole time" does not interest my mother, and so she wants me home.

Now, I understand that we are low on money. I have known this for eons.

But why does she now want me to go back on our agreement that I will be home a week before my father comes to take me to school when the bank issue can be dealt with at any time? I assume it is so that she can go back to her television and smoking and cooking being the only three things she does again ideas, but that is evil and mean.

On the other hand, Gary recently had surgery, so perhaps it is due to the fact that he cannot do his part. However, she could have told me not to go, or renegotiated a treaty with me, since she had already pushed me back to coming back on the 13th instead of the 16th (making the day I left the 1st instead of the 5th). She knew he needed surgery before I left, but she let me go anyway.

Now, I did use unusually strong words in my description of the house (Leanne and Avery driving me nuts, doing everything around there with no benefit), but she had no right to get all pissy with me over it. I said I love you both times, but she hung up on me, probably due to the situation not working at all in her favour (she now owes me 15 dollars if I am right, and the bank does if I am wrong).

Am I in the wrong here?

location: Tyler's house music: Echoes by Pink Floyd tags: mom

I know that you may have heard this before, but I am undergoing a major self-transformation. I am doing so due to things I have noticed about my reactions to circumstances I rightly should have no control over. The first step was the destruction of Soapbox Zach, my former moralist personality in want of Seeker Zach, a truthseeker who gets rather annoyed only when people refuse to be themselves or make clearly idiotic decisions.

I have deigned to give my decor and wardrobe a new look, though it appears the wardrobe will not be complete until after I get back to school. (Anyone got tips on where to find good band shirts?) My room is being created in a classic black, gray and splashes of colours.

And I got new glasses. They are like the very ones I got back when I was young and much less like Soapbox Zach. The beginning... is now.

location: Kannapolis music: Please Remain Calm- Cloud Cult

Sadness may strike us where we stand,
And all we fought for may seem lost.
But here we are, with our demand,
That pains to end the world be tossed

To ocean's depths, or highest heights,
To end the sorrow's stength and glee,
For when we navigate tonight,
The joy of all within us be.

Hello, people! Well, good news and less good news!

Good news: The woman I love, the aforementioned Brittany, apparently still loves me!

Less good news: She already has a boyfriend, and is not inclined to break up with him...


...until she goes to college.

Here, an overview.

She called me at 9. I was not awake. I woke up at 10, and was told she called. I called her, and she told me that her father had told her she could do it, though she would regret it (as I am one of her exes). She came over and we hugged (which is how she and I got together, actually... random hugs help.) We played the family Wii for a while, and when she got bored, we sat down next to one another, and it just came out of me that I loved her. She said that if she had not had a boyfriend at the time, the day would have won her over, but she did, so alas, it did not.

Then we went downstairs, where I explained the desperation of my situation (two failed relationships, attempts to move on shot down by either failed relationships or by people not caring for me [people at school do not care for me].) But she explained that the only school on her list was App, and the primary reaqson was because she still wanted to be with me again someday. We basically had admitted a mutual love in the basement, but could not act on it due to her boyfriend, Paul.

Now, I like Paul. He is a good man, an intellectual, but INCREDIBLY clumsy with girls. He is too much a man for her, already appreciating certain "parts" of her more than others, and he has hurt her emotionally on a few occasions. However, I cannot actively compete with him until he and I are in the same location. We are not, and looking down the roads we have chosen, we are not likely to (he wishes to be a pastor, and I wish to be a professor of language.)

She would rather be where I am than he, however... this means a lot to me. I love her more than life itself, and always have. (To be fair, I hold life in a rather low regard.)

I feel that she is meant to be my wife, and I her husband. However, fate has to play its part before anything can be said for certain... we shall see. But I will misss this day, as it ends, and I await her next visit with every fibre of my being. It can only get better than it was before...

So there she stood, and there I am,
And all we are comes hand in hand,
But shall it end as once it did?
Or shall the gods this law forbid,
That I must suffer all alone,
With ne'er another of my own?
My love, I shall not fail thee 'gain,
Not why my mind has its domain.
For shall the truest heart be false,
The mind grow weak, soul cease its waltz?
Shall all we are come seperately,
Or can we truly, actually be?
What has stopped us once cannot,
For can we stop fate? I think not.

You and I are meant as one,
And I cannot take this alone.
Shall you be mine, and I'll be thine,
Or shall it be washed in the brine?
Would you let true love go free,
Without a thought of you or me?
Would you think before you act?
Would you hold that we attract?
Would you always be my love,
As I hold you, from high above?


Or shall the love just go to waste,
And feed into this empty space,
Where once hearts lived, but now devote
To hedonism? Now they gloat
About the love that fails to be
And how it only serves to seed
The passion sans the feeling, no!
I shall not let this love there go!

Our love is more, though it be less,
And it shall stand this long duress!
We shall stand to cut them free,
Ones who caught in lust must be!
The love shall stand! The love shall hold!
Though it is known that I grow old!
For all my love, you know it's true,
That all that I shall love is you.

location: Kannapolis, NC mood: bouncy music: Daybreaker by the Electric Light Orchestra tags: brittany moore

nothing makes sense anymore. i am the most worthless... i have no idea if she gives a fuck, and she cannot tell me because she is not single, and i am in the worst depression i have ever been in. someone save me from my nightmare... or the name of me will be no more in a month;s time

location: kannapolis mood: depressed tags: help

Now it ends again.

I will be completely honest this time, and all who can read this will hopefully care and forgive me for my thoughts.

I have finally broken my idealistic mind. No longer will I chase love, no longer shall I berate people for their idiocy. There is no point, as even the best person has proven to me that they are failures in the face of peer pressure. We are all human, and thus we all make mistakes. All mistakes are equal.

God, I wish I could believe that.

I am not able to abandon idealism, as it always has a shot at being true. I need to believe humanity can be made better, or else I die.

Brittany contacted me recently with a very cryptic message, which I am taking for a notice that she intends to apply to App. And possibly an apology.

Anyways... love you, see you next year.

location: East 0021 (last day ever) mood: blah music: Hey Bulldog by the Beatles

OK. So a quick update.

1. Robbin and I are no longer together. My friend Elizabeth informed me that the most likely reason we even got together was because of some mysterious feminine ideology of giving people a chance, which, as I look back on my relationship with her, I find to be likely. But I do not agree with it at all. After all, does this not seem like it would hurt the person, to hear someone say "I love you" and then a month later, inform them that the whole time, you were trying to love them and that you did not and could not? It hurt like hell at the time, but now, I am kinda glad it happened.

2. I have finally decided that the best way to make people like you is not to be kind at all. Kindness only gets people to think you are weak and a pushover. From here on out, I will only be kind to people I am friends with, and exceptionally kind to those I like. As if that will change anything. I Am just so tired of remembering the past...

Brittany, the love of my life, contacting me telling me she did not care about me anymore, Susan falling in love with the redneck man of her dreams (and putting far more effort into it than she ever did seeing me), Hannah falling out of touch, not being with Ashley anymore because our schedules would never permit it, being an affection whore who cannot find my drug of choice, becoming a ranting box who no one cares about, much less for, out of money and fighting high school students for jobs back home so I can stay there, where I at least have friends, finding that I love a major that requires bullshit and worthless classes where the only way to pass is to be a damned hippie and agree with everything the professor says, taking arms against a sea of said hippies why agreeing with them halfway, I am just so damn TIRED of life. I want it to end, want to sleep forever...

but what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others we know not of. I am not suicidal in nature, only in spirit. I do not want to care about anything anymore, but I am too opinionated to end my war against conformity. I am so tired... someone help me, I am being crushed beneath failing at life at every turn... why does God hate me? I have not done anything terrible and others do worse and get better... I need to apply Cartesian theory, and separate my mind and body. Once they are two separate things, my mind will die, and only the worthles lump of flesh that is my body will remain. My mind will wither, as it has been... will not hold the water it has, as no one cares for intelligence now, only for agreeability...

Well, I gave her the poem and some chocolates on Valentine's Day, and she apparently was driven to tears by it. She came into my room, threw her arms around me, and she cried on my shoulder as she said that she would love to be my girlfriend.

Which is surprising, to say the least.

Anyways, that night, I spoke to Morgan and Erin, two of our friends, and they informed me of Robbin's stances on affection, which are slightly incompatible, but can of course be modified.

And then I got her alone for a few minutes and she kissed me. Her first kiss ever (or so I assume...) and it was initiated by her. I was rather impressed.

However, as the days wore on, she grew less affectionate. However, I responded by picking up the slack, but now I feel one-sided... I hope to fix that soon.

UPDATE: Well, it turns out that absence does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. We saw each other for less than 5 hours over the past two and a half weeks, but she is being far more affectionate than before. I am truly happy that I have her... I think I am falling in love again, which is both scary and thrilling, like a roller coaster on the ground (I would die on one in the air...) I hope things work out this summer.

More later!

Okay. Here is the scoop.

I have never, ever asked a girl out before having no idea if she liked me or not. I told my friend Robbin that I like her a lot. She responded with (and I quote), "I like you too, Zach. I just don't know how much." (A translation on this sentence would be helpful from any girl who speaks Girl.) We were then very close for a little bit (she would snuggle up to me when we were watching TV, or we held hands one time.)

And then the great Flu Epidemic of 2008 struck. I avoided her because I was sick and did not want her to get sick as well. She knew this as well, so this should not have been a problem.

However, I am not sick any longer, and she is taking the weekend and playing hermit in her room. Which is fine, except I am worried that perhaps she does not like me any longer.

I need this one to work, or I will not have the confidence to do it again, and I will have to resort to waiting forever for a girl that will not come. I just barely had the eggs to put into this basket. I think I am falling in love with her, and I am not even sure if she likes me... life is a multi-colored palette of annoyances.

Mystery girl, why can't I shake
The thought of you and I, awake,
By the banks of water clear
As your sweet voices calls to my ear,

"I loved you then, I love you now,
My kind and gentle Knight.
Will you be mine, and I'll be thine,
Inside my head tonight?"

I asked the Gods for what I could,
I asked you then, dear, if you would,
Be kind to me, and I to you,
But from your mouth, these words, so few...

"I loved you then, I love you now,
My kind and gentle Knight.
Will you be mine, and I'll be thine,
Inside my head tonight?"

Robbin-san, anata wa
Chuushin no watashi desu.
Anata ga daisuki desu,
Soshite, watashi wa so go aisuru.

"I loved you then, I love you now,
My kind and gentle Knight.
Will you be mine, and I'll be thine,
Inside my head tonight?"

Robbin, dear, I wish you knew
And as I do about you.
I want your joy to be prolonged,
And as I write this, here's my song,

Forever mine, just as I wish,
And I'll be thine, as long as wished.
If you will love me, I will too,
And thus, in turn, I will love you.

"I loved you then, I love you now,
My kind and gentle Knight.
Will you be mine, and I'll be thine,
Inside my head tonight?"

Nevermore to be alone,
Nevermore our hearts of stone,
We'll sing together songs of joy,
And always will our song rejoice.

I love you dear, I love you more
Than any I have seen before.
If you would let me, I would let
You know my feelings, and forget...

"I loved you then, I love you now,
My kind and gentle Knight.
Will you be mine, and I'll be thine,
Inside my head tonight?"

Will you be mine? I love you now,
I loved you then, and I am proud
To recieve from you such a thing
As love from you unending spring.

"I loved you then, I love you now,
My kind and gentle Knight.
Will you be mine, and I'll be thine,
Inside my head tonight?"

I love you now, I loved you then,
Lady of my Night.
Could I be thine, and you be mine,
Inside my heart tonight?

So, finally it comes to a close. The Brittany saga has ended, about as abruptly as it began. She emailed me recently to inform me that she had no feelings for me whatsoever (something I am half glad she did) and here is what I would send if I did not love her, but since I do I won't.



I do know this, Brittany. I am glad that you at least listen to me, since no one else does. But here are words of sadness for you, as I hope you will understand. This is more a list of things I must relieve myself of than a list of complaints, so take no heed of any harmful ideals.

And I rather expected that, as we have not seen each other in over a year (DAMN ME NOT HAVING A CAR.) I will always love you, Brittany. Hopefully, one day, when you escape the chains of Kannapolis and see the world for what it is, you will find the beacon you always claimed me to be. I am sorry to have failed you, as I swore I never would, and I wish I had been able to fight for you, instead of being given the letter and
not the opportunity. I will always be in my mountainous fortress, if you ever desire to see me again.

I will not say that I am not hurt, however... you are the only person I have ever felt could be the one for me. However, as I said, I expected it, and will not hate you for something you have no control over. Or else too much control over. I cannot tell. I am glad that Paul can make you the happy person I never could, and am glad that if it is not I who will love you forever, it is at least an intellectual.

But is this the same Brittany who charged down the halls to see me last October? Is this the Brittany who understood the world's workings and the need for intellectual pursuit, who understood the alliances that were made? Or does this new Brittany exist, who sees me as a paranoid, faraway relic of a distant phase in which the world seemed too dark, and the only way to save it was to alter the darkness? The old Brittany was the one I loved, but if a newer, bubblier one exists, then I apologize for troubling you with the love of a deranged lunatic.

I love you now, I always have, and I always will. Though I will never win your heart (and will quit trying, as it has become futile to love anyone anyways....the pain has become too great, and this latest attack is only the climax of a string of similar ones from others whom I care for) I want you to know that while I love you, and I will not advise you to a new path if the one you are on leads to happiness, I will never stop shining for you. I will do everything in my power in your name. (This part may sound creepy, but you will remember that I am
a chivalric, and having felt love, will always fight for my lady.)

Was it the distance? Was it the new ones? Was it boredom, or paranoia of a lost life? Was it regret? Was it me? What do I lack to be the one you love, so that I may search even more fervently for someone identical to my Lotus Blossom? I am sorry for what I have done to harm you, and I truly wish that I had been able to stay one more year. I was an idiot, a damned fool to leave you a more damned fool for fearing your rejection. I have always been this damned fool, and alas, I see this now.

You deserve a genius.

You deserve perfection. You deserve a god among men, my dear. You have surpassed this constrained glove, and I apologize for wasting your time, my beloved. No, I will not call you that any longer, as you do not desire it. My friend, you will still be here for me, despite my flaws and failures? I have sworn to never abandon thee, and I never shall. You have my heart, you have my soul, and now, you have my word.

You could be my silver spring,
Blue-green colors flashing.
I would be your only dream,
Your shining autumn ocean crashing.
Did you say that he's worthy,
and did you say that he loves you?
Baby I don't wanna know.

So I'll begin not to love you,
Turn around, see me running...
I'll say I loved you years ago,
And tell myself you never loved me... No...
Did you say that he's worthy,
And did you say that he loves you?
Baby, I don't wanna know....Oh no.....
And can you tell me, was it worth it?
Baby, I don't wanna know.

Time cast a spell on you, so you won't forget me...
I know I could have loved you but you would not let me....
Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me...
(I was such a fool)
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me..
(Give me one more chance)
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you...
(Haunt you)
You'll never get away from the sound of the lover that lost you..
-Modified lyrics to "Silver Spring" by Fleetwood Mac

Please, take nothing I have said here to heart. I never wish you any form of harm, but I want you to know how I feel right now. If you give it time, I will heal. After all, I always have before. :-)

Take heart, Brittany. You are always my friend, even if you killed my emotions.

For what once was, now cannot be,
As I indulge in misery,
and you have found the golden sun,
I pray to thee, my lover; run.

For God has shone upon thee there,
and gifted you with joy once rare,
And left me here without your heart,
For hatred now becomes his art.

My Golden Sun, please go away,
For what I want, I now will say:
Your love, my dear, is all I wish,
And you have found elsewhere this dish.

I fought for you, I fight for all,
I will not let this glory fall,
But as the mindless joy doth rise,
I see betrayal in your eyes.

Your love is not for me to hold,
For warriors are fighters cold,
And fires like your own warm blood
Should not be quenched by ice's flood.

So shine, my Lotus Blossom, shine,
And know that I find thee divine,
For all that was now cannot be,
but you shall shine so beautifully.

For as the stage desires a show,
And I, an actor, now shall go,
And as I play the happy an,
I dream forever of your hand.

For I have lost, and he has won,
And for a prize, he gains the Sun,
and for the vanquished, he shall be
Alone and sad eternally.

For as the curtain's final call,
As those red curtains start to fall,
I shall fight on, though I can see,
What has once been, now cannot be.

location: Myrtle Beach mood: depressed music: Every Man Has A Molly- Say Anything tags: brittany cheyenne moore, i love you, poetry

So.

Welcome to a fine edition indeed of Zach Jeffcoat's World of Extra-Uber-Insanity.

When last we left our hero, he was despairing over his lack of love from the girl he liked at the time.

Little did he know that that would be the LEAST of his worries soon...

After this, he went about his usual routine, entertaining friends and what not, when one day, his friend [WITHHELD] found an air pistol on his roommate's desk, belonging to his roommate, [WITHHELD]. Knowing nothing about weaponry, Zach had the people of the room go and attempt to get help.

One of them, [WITHHELD], managed to get the RA of the floor, and she quickly identified it as an air pistol. This relieved everyone, and we were all OK... except for [WITHHELD]. He had gone upstairs to get a different RA to assure that if the first RA was unavailable, then something could be done.

So Zach had patched things up with his roommate...

...and then the police showed up.

[WITHHELD], Zach's roommate was fined some money, but has been a very angry person ever since.

The next day, Zach's friend [WITHHELD] made a mistake and took too many sleeping pills, causing her to be removed from the floor for a few weeks.

On top of all this, his roommate began distributing a story stating that Zach had went through his things, found the pistol, and reported it just to be a jackass.

And then there were exams. And a smell, caused by Zach's lack of money and subsequent inability to do laundry.

So now Zach is sick, desperate to find anyone who will not hate him, and saddened by many things, such as Brittany finally informing him that she doesn't like him.

Another poem later.

location: East 021, Boone, NC mood: crappy music: St. Jimmy by Green Day

I managed to completely forget about my assignment to go to a play, and now have no chance to not fail. Also, I managed to get someone to hold my hand, which was awesome, but she doesn't seem to like me anymore, which sucks... I want to kill the person who determined that only beauty should determine love. I am so tired of it... poem to follow.

OK. (And the only person who knows about this is on LJ, and should avoid commenting. Since she is, after all, one of the antagonists.)

An odd series of events containing far too much bisexuality on the part of females has eaten my mind. Here goes:

1. My ex girlfriend, Hannah, is now openly bisexual. She came out to me.

2. My other ex, Ashley, has decided that I must not ever insult math or science, since her new boyfriend is majorly involved in these areas. (Although difficult to memorize the rules, once one does, no analysis of the problem goes on. Hence, philosophy, language, or even the arts are more difficult.)

3. A girl I liked at one point, Kaitlyn, contacted me during the weekend, and when I began relating these problems to her, she laughed, made rude comments and began attacking me. (In her defense, it is her time of month, but still.)

4. The girl I like up here is flirt friends with another friend of mine, and is completely uninterested in me. But that is life.

5. My only hope to get back home to the girl I love, who does not love me, is a friend of mine who may not have room for me.

6. The girl I love does not love me back, even though I know she would love me if I was not 100 miles away.

7. And finally, my fan is squeaking, so I cannot use it go to sleep.

Love is not a real thing,
So stop pretending so.
If love were real, someone would feel
I was that love also.

Why must it be like this?
Ignorace is such bliss.
I wish I'd never tasted her
Affection in her kiss.

A torture she has planned,
Back in that horrid land,
To love and lie, and here I'll lie,
Until she gives her hand.

My heart will never love,
Again, for up above,
I love as much as I can do such
And yet I'm always shoved.

Off to the side again,
The pain will now begin,
To eat my life and cause me strife
Until I'm dead again.

So strike me down, O Lear,
And lead my heart to fear,
That never will I feel the thrill
Of love returned, my dear.

location: 0021 East mood: crushed music: 'Merican by the Descendants

Ah, the joys of being a human. [/sarcasm]

I have been single for 4 months now. I had a girl who liked me very much. The only problem is that I cannot do long-distance relationships anymore, due to the whole Brittany thing. (I have finally cut off contact with her, since she is happy with her new boyfriend... le sigh.) Anyways, when I informed the young lady that even though I loved her, I could not be with her, she... well, not for me to say. Anyway, so I have been trying to help her through the same kind of thing I have been and am still going through with Brittany.

In other news, I have apparently become a founding member of a charades club meeting every Saturday night, so... yeah. Anywho, I wish thee well, if you bother reading this...

For what once was, now cannot be,
For fear of pain and misery,
The joys of being a person
And living in this world of fun,
Where all they know is that the joy
Of drugs, or sex with that cute boy
Will make them happy though just for
The second until they get bored
And realize that they themselves
Have placed themselves upon the shelves.
The intellect of this age here
Has been dismissed as only mere
Triviality and stuff,
now see that boy! Is he not buff?
So kill me off, or watch them all
Create the masks of the human fall.
The student there, who lies in wait,
Who wants the end of violent hate,
He now is dead, his love is gone,
As society sings this song:
"He died, he died! Now we can see
His joy was in our idiocy!
Our stupor, it did kill him off!
Now puff and pass! Haha! *cough cough*
We will not die, as we are dumb!
And all we need is radium
And mercury, and beauty too,
As all I am, I will make you!"
And thus the end, and thus the world,
Into the dark abyss is hurled.

-Zach

location: 0021 East mood: artistic music: Dogs

This is an update, since I have not spoken in months...

I am with my beloved Ashley, my adviser through the Brittany problem. I love her more than anything...

And suspicions have grown that Brittany was cheating.

And I would change nothing. I love Ashley! YAAAAAAY!

location: Guess. mood: My Ashlet... music: They're invading Tiraq!

Great Britain. This place provided me with three great comedians to quote.

Monty Python: Holy Grail is great. But the best sketch is the Spanish Inquisition skits.

Eddie Izzard: He works blue, but the man is great. His best stuff is in Dressed to Kill, though "The Deathstar Canteen" is a great one from "Circle."

Dead Ringers: These guys are on BBC2, in England, but they are hilarious! Their portrayal of Bush and Blair is genius!

location: My room, as always... mood: Hah! music: Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance tags: dead ringers, eddie izzard, monty python, zach

Poll #840809 OK. I think this might work better. After ten years.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

Who should I date?

location: Appalachian State U East 0021 mood: worried music: Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

-Shortest relationship-
7 days......wish it was longer, but oh well

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you told that you love and meant it?
I have dated 5 people. I told all of them, but only meant it for 4. I still love 3, dating 2,

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Hell yes.

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Apparently, all the time.

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?
In a relationship with a person I see very often. Elsewise, I am tempted too often (not that I get a chance to do anything about it...)

-Have you ever been cheated on?
I believe so, but cheating to me implies different things. (I am a little bit sexist here.) For a girl, as they are the choosy ones, a kiss is cheating. For guys, as we are not, sex is cheating.

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Depends. To me, a heart is not broken until it can no longer love a person. In that sense, no. However, I have severely depressed people with my choices on dating.

-Talk to any of your exes?
All but two. Those two either had no contact info, or learned nothing from my relationship with them.

-If you could go back in time and change things would you?
I would, at least five times.

-Do you miss any of your exes?
Yes. I miss three of them.

-Think any of your exes feel the same way?
Yes, though this may be a problem more than a celebratory occasion

-Have you been in an abusive relationship
Mentally, yes. Emotionally, yes. Physically, no.

-Have you dated someone older then you?
No.

-Younger?
All of them

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Kinda...

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
In a way. A second chance, sure. A third, maybe. A fourth, only in extreme circumstances. Beyond that, no.

-Believe in love at first sight?
Yes, though I must be loved first.

-Ever dated two people at the same time?
I am. Not loving it, but I am. And I have in the past.

-Ever been given an engagement ring?
No. The girl that does that will scare me.

-Do you want to get married?
Main goal in my life, after becoming a professor

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?
Yes.
Elizabeth, I am happy for you and all your successes. I wish you the best in the future, and good luck with that police action.
Hannah, you are one great girl, but I cannot date anyone with a sexual deviance. I apologize.
Susan, I am dating Brittany. I love her and I love you. I know you do not believe this is possible, but it is, and I do. I love you....please do not be sad....
Brittany, you told me not to tell you anything about my love life, outside of the fact that I love you. So I won't. I love you...

-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Yes. It was easy, but that is because I knew that this girl liked me before I liked her.

-Ever kissed someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?
No.

-Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
All the time.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
Yes. Yes it does.

location: Appalachian State U East 0021 mood: pessimistic music: Somebody Told Me by The Killers